Monday, January 23, 2023

Rover the Tug Becomes a Snowbird


As the pandemic ramped up in 2020 and work from home became the norm in my company, I decided to buy a waterfront house on the shores of Lake Champlain. Having grown up in Michigan and lived for many years in Chicago and Minnesota, I missed the mild temperatures and extra long days of summer in the north. I looked forward to working and living there while still maintaining my home base in the Raleigh, North Carolina area. Not surprisingly, quite a few other folks had exactly the same idea and waterfront property prices soared as inventory dwindled. Time for Plan B – a floating waterfront home!

 


In June 2021, I found a 2009 Nordic Tug 37 for sale in Essex, CT. Luckily, I saw the listing just minutes after it was posted and I jumped on the deal and had my broker immediately send a purchase offer, sight unseen. Good thing too as several other offers came in within minutes of my contract’s arrival. I flew up to Essex shortly thereafter to see that the pictures and description were very accurate and the boat was in pristine condition. Following a spotless survey, I closed in July, 2021, christened the boat “Rover” (in recognition of the dog I wished I could have but didn’t have time for and my tendency to rove to and fro, sometimes intentionally and sometimes due to navigational creativity) and immediately set off for Burlington by way of Long Island Sound, the East, Harlem and Hudson Rivers, the Champlain Canal and, finally, magnificent Lake Champlain. A stirring tale of that adventure can be found at https://tomparrent.blogspot.com/2021/09/time-to-take-this-dogswimming-like-many.html

As planned, I used the boat as my northern cottage and remote workplace through the 2021 and 2022 seasons. Burlington served as a perfect base of operations with its wonderful weather, friendly residents, waterfront festivals, walkable downtown and countless miles of bike paths. I kept Rover in a slip at Burlington Harbor Marina, truly one of the nicest facilities I’ve visited, and enjoyed those lingering, colorful sunsets each night as the sun dipped behind the Adirondacks.

The only drawbacks to keeping the boat in Burlington were the relatively short cruising season and the distance from my home. I found that did not cruise as much as I had planned due to both of those factors but as a floating cottage, the boat fit my needs perfectly.

Rover has a single Cummins diesel putting out 380 horsepower and a 324 gallon fuel tank, giving her a range at moderate speeds of over 1,000 nautical miles. Her large rudder and powerful bow thruster make docking easy. A Northern Lights generator provides all the power she would ever need at anchor. Good size refrigerator and freezer units along with a well equipped galley and heat and air conditioning provide all the comfort I could want. Obviously, Rover was built to cruise, not just spend her days at the dock. A dog needs to run!

I stored Rover indoors over the 2021-2022 winter across Lake Champlain in Mooney Bay, NY. In the spring of 2022, my daughter, who had sailed with starting when she was four years old, was conveniently working on her PhD at McGill University in nearby Montreal. She came down to help me launch and cruise Rover back to Burlington. As we crossed the lake, she noted the only downside to keeping the boat on Champlain was the long winter and she started advocating for bringing the boat south to North Carolina at the end of the season.

As summer flew by and I spent more time aboard, I realized that I wanted to do more cruising and less winterizing and decided to make the long trip south. I estimated a delivery trip of around 21 days, especially if I cruised solo, as I usually do. I called my friend Lars Bergstrom, sales manager for the Carolinas for Curtis Stokes, to talk through the plan as I knew he had made the trip several times doing deliveries for customers. His immediate response was “I’ll do the trip with you and we can get it done in 10 days!”

A quick trip was more in line with my work schedule but I thought the time estimate was quite optimistic given weather and other unplanned misadventures. Nonetheless, I decided the worse that could happen would be spending more time afloat than planned and I didn’t see any downside to that! We set our departure date for Saturday, September 24, 2022.

Saturday, September 24, 2022 – Day 1 – Burlington to Whitehall

I arrived in Burlington a week ahead of Lars to enjoy the early Vermont autumn and make sure Rover was ready for the big trip. I took a shakedown cruise to Westport, NY where I had a mechanic check out everything and replace an engine sensor. That done, I thoroughly cleaned the boat and provisioned for a week. I had Rover’s diesel purring when Lars stepped aboard around 1 PM. We cast off and headed south on a perfect fall day.



Champlain Canal Lock 12 at Whitehall, NY marks the beginning of the canal. We knew we would have to push hard to make it to the lock before its scheduled 5 PM close. With a long trip ahead of us and the beautiful day on the lake, we decided there was no point to rushing. We slowed down and reserved a slip at Whitehall Marina just north of Lock 12.

Lake Champlain has just about every type of scenery a cruiser could wish for. The islands at the north end present endless opportunities for gunkholing while the “wides” as the locals refer to the main part of the lake, provide a perfect sailing venue. Small towns along both shores have marinas, restaurants and shops. I’m told the fishing is great, from perch and bass on up to salmon and lake trout. Of course, Champy, the legendary freshwater sea monster, is out there somewhere to add a little excitement. All of this is framed by the Green Mountains of Vermont and the Adirondacks in New York. As we headed south, the Adirondacks closed in from the west and we could see many layers of overlapping mountains set up perfectly to provide those spectacular sunsets.


South of the Lake Champlain Bridge at Crown Point, NY, the lake narrows considerably and takes on the atmosphere of a winding river with beautiful marshes frequently ringing the shore. Soon we came upon Fort Ticonderoga. This Revolutionary War outpost is a favorite anchorage for many lake travelers. The docents provide an excellent tour and historical narrative. While we did not have time to stop on this trip, passing by the fort reminded me of how much history has been made in these areas. Whitehall, in fact, is the birthplace of the United States Navy as that is where Benedict Arnold’s troops build our nation’s first warships and successfully slowed the British coming out of Canada just enough to allow the fledgling Republic to hold on to upstate New York and New England.

Beyond Ticonderoga, the lake narrowed further for a beautiful 20 mile section of marshes and shallows, favored by fishermen and sightseers alike. The autumn colors were just starting to brighten up, making one of my favorite parts of the lake even more beautiful.

After a relaxing six hours, we pulled into the family owned Whitehall Marina. We had dinner at the on site bar and restaurant where we met some real local characters. During my time in Vermont and upstate New York, I’ve noticed that people are not only friendly but also extremely chatty. If you greet someone with a “How are you?” be prepared for a full and entertaining answer!

 

 

Sunday, September 25, 2022 – Day 2 – Whitehall to Troy

We arrived in front of Lock 12 in time for the first lift of the day. We hoped to make it all the way through the Champlain Canal in one day. There wouldn’t be time to dawdle as the trip usually takes closer to a day and a half due to the 11 locks and many no wake zones. How can there be a Lock 12 in a canal with 11 locks? When they dug the canal, they realized Lock 10 wasn’t really necessary so they left it out without bothering to renumber the others!


Locking through was easy on the Nordic Tug, with pilothouses doors to both starboard and port, plenty of room in the cockpit for line handling and stout handrails from the pilothouse to the bow. In the Champlain locks, ropes hang from the top of the lock walls. You sidle up to wall and hang on to the ropes as the boat is raised and lowered. The lines are slimy so boaters typically wear rubber kitchen gloves when locking through. A couple of the locks have a bit of turbulence but nothing extreme. In fact, I can lock through single-handed by simply reaching out the pilothouse door and grabbing a line amidships. A touch or two on the bow thruster keeps the boat in place. However, it was much nicer having capable crew aboard and we went through all the locks with no issues whatsoever.

The Champlain Canal, along with the Erie Canal, was built between 1818 and 1823. As we passed through the locks and saw other diversions of the natural waterways, I thought about the difficulty of constructing the canal. Everything was done by hand, mostly with picks, shovels, wheelbarrows and mules. Beyond the physical demands, laborers contended with yellow fever and unsanitary conditions.

The commercial traffic that used to ply the canals is almost entirely gone now while pleasure boaters still benefit from all that hard work. Furthermore, boaters currently use the canals free of charge. I asked a lock tender about that and he said someone had finally figured out that collecting tolls cost more money than the tolls brought in so they suspended the fees.

 

 

The trip through the canal is pleasant with only a few towns interrupting the rural scenery. On my trip north in 2021, I overnighted at Fort Edward alongside a very nice (and free!) town dock. I had a memorable breakfast at Ye Old Fort Diner. Don’t let the rundown exterior throw you off. The food was great and the local conversation hilarious. The waitress entertained me for an hour with tales of everything that had gone on in town for the past couple weeks. For a sleepy little town, there seemed to be plenty of action!

Making time, however, we had to pass by Fort Edward in order to make the last drop of the day around 5 PM in Lock 1 just north of Troy, NY. After that comes the Troy Federal Lock, which stays open later as there is some commercial boat traffic through it.

If we had more time, we would have turned up the Mohawk River just below Lock 1 and headed up to Waterford, the beginning of the Erie Canal.


There’s a long town wall to tie up to there and usually a good collection of boats starting or finishing their Erie Canal cruise. However, as in any long cruise, we had a keen eye on the weather and it looked like we just might hit a good window for the open water crossing offshore of New Jersey if we kept up our pace.


Passing through the Troy Federal Lock (which has cables around which you pass your own dock lines rather than the hanging ropes of the Champlain Canal locks) put us on the Hudson River at its northern limit of tidal influence. Even though we were 150 miles from the ocean, we would still get a boost from tidal currents if we timed it right!

We pulled up to the Troy City Dock, which opened in 2021 and has nice stable, floating docks along with power, water and fuel. Just up the ramp from the dock is a large selection of restaurants. Downtown Troy has undergone an amazing transformation in the last ten years with many newly converted loft apartments, shops, breweries and other activities. I could easily stay there for a few days but that weather window was looking good so we found a good microbrewery and called it a night.

Monday, September 26, 2022 – Day 3 – Troy to Croton-on-Hudson

To hit our weather window, we got underway as a light mist blanketed the river. The Hudson here is a real working river with tugs pushing barges and oceangoing ships delivering cargo. We kept a good lookout with nice assistance from the integrated GPS chartplotter and digital radar. Rover had come nicely equipped with up to date electronics that made our cruising safe and comfortable. In addition to the Raymarine chartplotter, we kept Navionics going on an iPad as a backup along with a full set of paper charts and cruising guides.


 

Our destination for the day was Half Moon Bay Marina at Croton. That would be a long run but with the two of us alternating time at the helm, we felt confident we could make it without getting too tired.

The downside to making a quick delivery trip is passing by all of the interesting attractions along the way. On my trip north, I had stopped at Kingston, NY for a night. The marina is right in the center of town with a nice maritime museum, parks, shops and plenty of restaurants. We would also have to skip the towns of Hudson, Catskill, Saugerties and many others. I promised myself that I would go real slow on my next trip north and hit all of those places. 

Even without stops, the Hudson does not disappoint. With the Catskill mountains providing a backdrop, we cruised past many beautiful old lighthouses, saw countless mansions, old and new, and even passed a castle fallen to ruin!









 

 

Add to those the military academy at West Point, Bear Mountain, the Culinary Institute of America as well as the larger towns of Poughkeepsie and Newburgh and I can understand how some boaters cruise the Hudson for the whole season.
 


 

A violent but brief squall provided some excitement as we neared the Bear Mountain Bridge but it passed quickly and left a rainbow spanning the river.


 

 

 


After dodging the occasional ship and staying away from the many sailboats, we arrived at Half Moon Bay just in time for Steve Plotkin to come out and catch our lines. Steve is well known by the Great Loopers traveling up the Hudson in the spring and he went out of his way to make sure we got in safely even with our late arrival. We came into a tight spot but Lars easily spun Rover around 180 degrees and then side slipped her along the dock. For a big boat, she is easily maneuvered. A friend came down to see us and then took us on a tour of Croton and Peekskill. An excellent dinner and some additional provisioning prepared us for what was to be our longest day yet.

 

Tuesday, September 27, 2022 – Day 4 – Croton-on-Hudson to Atlantic Ocean

Up at dawn again, we took a look at the weather forecast and knew we could get socked in for days if we didn’t make good time. Coming out of Half Moon Bay, most southbound cruisers would head for Sandy Hook Bay on the New Jersey coast to anchor out before heading offshore to either Atlantic City or Cape May. Many would also stop for a few days and tour New York City.

The forecast told us we would not be doing what “most” cruisers do. We plotted a course for Norfolk, Virginia!

First, of course, we had to get through New York City. I lived on a sailboat in Jersey City ten years ago while working in Manhattan so I am very familiar with the waterways as I would typically go out for sails on both the Hudson and New York Harbor. Being familiar, in this case, simply meant that I knew we would be cruising through a hornet’s nest of passenger commuter ferries, oceangoing ships, barges, Coast Guard boats and cruise ships. The autopilot would be the only thing getting a rest today!

Before hitting the mayhem, we enjoyed the last peaceful parts of the Hudson, passing under the Tappan Zee and George Washington bridges and cruising along under the Palisades. Watching all the cars, buses and trains heading into the city, as I used to do for years, reminded me how fortunate I was to be floating on past all of it.

Once past the George Washington Bridge, the madness began but we kept plugging along, enjoying the sights. We headed for my former marina, Liberty Landing in Jersey City, to fuel up and pump out. Coming into the narrow fairway with all manner of boats zipping around was exciting but the dockhands were in control of everything and directed dozens of boats in and out with no mishaps. Nonetheless, I was glad to exit that washing machine of turbulence and head out to open water again.

 



 Coming out of Liberty Landing, it’s hard to know where to look. You’ve got Ellis Island to starboard, Manhattan and the World Trade Center straight ahead, the towers of Jersey City to port and, of course, Lady Liberty standing just around the corner. So much to see all at once while still piloting the boat! Fortunately, I have spent a lot of time in the area so everything was very familiar. I would like to say this meant I didn’t gawk like a tourist but maybe there was a little of that!

 


Heading through Upper New York Harbor, I saw something different even for me – an aircraft carrier at anchor! A British carrier had stopped by for a port call and was surrounded by a few attending ships as well as a cordon of Coast Guard gunboats. I gave them a wide berth as I headed under the Verrazano Narrows Bridge. No shots were fired in anger.


Our weather window was holding nicely as we rounded Sandy Hook and took the narrow channel alongshore into the Atlantic. Unlike most cruisers, we were going to make the long hop all the way down to Norfolk. We would have 36 hours underway before we finished so we agreed to three hour watches at the helm. While we would miss the Chesapeake, we would also beat bad weather coming in and shorten the overall trip by a couple of days. We viewed the trip as a late season delivery trip rather than a cruise so we would not have had a chance to poke into all the interesting places in the Chesapeake. I am saving that for next summer.

Winds were light and offshore so we had almost no waves as we motored comfortably a mile offshore, close enough to see details along the coast but far enough that navigation was unencumbered. Rover’s autopilot with remote control kept us on course while the watch stander comfortably sat back and enjoyed the trip, keeping an eye out for other boats. We passed a few southbound sailboats and were passed in turn by a few larger cruising boats. Rover travels very nicely and economically in the 8-10 knot range although she can kick up to 12+ knots. I saw no reason to burn the extra fuel so we maintained a moderate speed.

The only trouble we encountered occurred a bit north of Atlantic City towards sunset. A small commercial fishing boat heading into the harbor deliberately cut us off about 30 yards off the bow. As we were moving steadily in a straight line and he had all the ocean to maneuver, there was absolutely no reason for the discourtesy. In fact, he had to intentionally speed up from behind us in order to get ahead and then turn directly into our path rather than passing behind. As he passed, the captain kept his eyes locked on me so I knew it was on purpose. Well, one impolite boater wasn’t going to ruin my day or spoil the gorgeous sunset.

Ten minutes later, a similar boat came screaming up from behind and crossed in front of me with no more than 10 feet to spare, throwing a huge wake to set us violently rolling. Next time I think I’ll call the Coast Guard and report an impaired boater so they can meet him at the dock.

The good part of the dangerous pass by the fishing boat was that it proved again just how solid the Nordic Tug feels. I have been continually impressed with the way the boat feels underway. No rattles or squeaks. It just feels like you are riding a solid block. Even with the huge wake thrown at her, Rover tossed her head, wagged her tail and settled right down again.

Wednesday, September 28, 2022 – Day 5 – Atlantic Ocean to Hampton Roads

As darkness fell, I realized this would be my first night cruise on Rover. I used to sail long into the night in Lake Michigan off of Chicago and really enjoyed the peacefulness of being out there. With the Nordic Tug, I had the additional comforts of climate control and plush seating. The radar and chartplotter also helped as I could easily pick up other boats and buoys miles away.

Atlantic City sparkled off the starboard bow as we settled into an easy overnight routine. The three hour watches seemed remarkably short and off watch time gave us plenty of opportunity to read and even work online as we still had cell signal coming into the onboard WiFi hotspot.

 


Around midnight, I turned in for a few hours sleep in the forward cabin. My timing proved a bit faulty as this was exactly when we started crossing the opening of Delaware Bay. The bay is famous for rough water as you can run into tide against wind and current. While everything still felt solid, the washing machine effect in the bow convinced me that my stomach might not hold up as well as the boat. I retreated to the settee in the salon where the motion was pleasant rather than turbulent and caught a couple hours of shuteye before my next watch.

The dogwatch found us offshore of Maryland with buoys for crab pots or fishing nets sprinkled across the water. In the calm conditions, the radar was remarkably good at picking up the floats but I steered us offshore a couple miles to avoid the fishing zones.

The Maryland shoreline is flat with a number of very shallow, marshy inlets. There are few places to pull in with our four and a half foot draft but the waterways certainly looked interesting for exploring in a flat bottom boat. As our weather was holding, we kept cruising smoothly until we made the turn west under the Chesapeake Bay Bridge.

We had thought about spending the night in a Norfolk marina but it had been a long cruise already so we pulled into the Mill Creek anchorage adjacent to the Fort Monroe National Monument at Hampton Roads where we were treated to a spectacular sunset. We got some good, well earned sleep that night!


Thursday, September 29, 2022 – Day 6 – Hampton Roads to Portsmouth

After fueling up at the Old Point Comfort Marina, we headed up the Elizabeth River, past the Norfolk Naval Base. Ships of every shape, size and purpose lined the wharves. Multiple aircraft carriers were being refit along with countless destroyers, cruisers and specialty ships. We even saw a new aircraft carrier under construction.

As the wind picked up and the sky darkened, we pulled into Tidewater Yacht Marina in Portsmouth. Our weather window had slammed shut and we wanted a safe place to wait out the coming storm. With winds and currents conspiring against him, Lars smoothly backed Rover into a slip and we put on extra lines to hold us in place.

Tidewater is a nice marina with an interesting collection of cruising and day boats, both sail and power as well as a few very large luxury yachts. There’s a nice restaurant right on the dock, which we welcomed after having spent so much time cruising over the past couple days. The marina does, however, have a combination of floating and fixed docks. The big storm hit along with a spring tide leaving some of the docks awash but we could see that coming so we timed our walks to avoid the water.



 



Friday, September 30, 2022 – Day 7 - Portsmouth

It rained. Heavily. Parts of the town flooded. We caught up on work and relaxed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday, October 1, 2022 – Day 8 – Portsmouth to Alligator River

With the storm blown out to sea, we were on the homestretch! We elected to bypass the Dismal Swamp Canal figuring the storm may have washed debris into the canal. Instead, we headed towards Coinjock. After a couple days at sea and the congestion of New York Harbor and the lower Hudson, it felt nice to be back into calm, open waters with picturesque marshes alongshore.

 

We came upon several southbound cruising trawlers and sailboats as well as the occasional fishing boat but, for the most part, we had the water to ourselves on yet another beautiful weather day.

We soon approached Albemarle Sound, famous for its choppiness due to long fetches and shallow water. We knew that Rover would handle it well no matter what but were pleasantly surprised to see the sound was glass smooth without even so much as a wind ripple.



Each time I have driven across the Alligator River Bridge on the way to the Outer Banks, I have thought how nice it would be to cruise these waters. The sunset and moonrise did not disappoint as we cruised down the river to a snug anchorage. Sitting at anchor like this is why I cruise. To cap it off, Lars showed his chops as a former fine dining chef and grilled up a great meal to end another gorgeous day afloat.



Sunday, October 2, 2022 – Day 9 – Alligator River to Oriental

 

Although we were approaching the end of the cruise, we still had a pleasant day of boating the Pungo and Pamlico rivers, looking at the shoreside houses and pleasure boats playing in these beautiful waters. We cruised by RE Mayo Seafood, a shrimp and fish dock where some of the big trawlers tie up. We then entered the wide open Neuse River and enjoyed the sight of many sailboats out for day cruises.

Finally, we pulled into Oriental Harbor Village Marina where Jim Edwards of Bow to Stern Yacht Services caught our lines. Jim and his crew were set to detail Rover and perform routine maintenance to ensure she would always be ready to cruise.

We made the trip in six and a half days underway with the one weather day at Norfolk. Rover did everything we asked of her while keeping us warm, dry and comfortable. My instant decision to purchase here in 2021 turned out even better than I imagined. From dockside summer cabin and remote workplace on Lake Champlain to cruising at night down the Atlantic, this capable Nordic Tug proved her worth for shorthanded cruising and comfortable living aboard.

Rover is now berthed at the beautiful River Dunes Marina in Oriental, NC. Weather permitting, I plan to do a series of overnight cruises, exploring all that the North Carolina coastal region has to offer. Ocracoke, Cape Lookout and Belhaven are next on the list. Each of these can be reached in an easy half day. As spring approaches, I will venture farther including the Chesapeake, which is only a couple days north.







Monday, January 24, 2022

Cookies And Snakes Do Not Mix

 

I know that most of you read my posts for my unending optimism and the occasional home repair tip. Well, as I’ve sometimes warned you, usually after a home or boat repair, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns out there. I have a sad story to tell you today so put out the dog, light the fire and make sure you have a hanky nearby.

 

WARNING: If your tear ducts are as clogged as my sink was this weekend, STOP READING NOW. The hydrostatic pressure on your sinuses could be fatal.

 

This all started with the best intentions. Given the pandemic, global warming, the Ukraine situation and the looming shortage of orange juice, I felt it was my duty to bring some joy to the world. After several years of abstinence, I fired up the oven and prepared to resume baking. Cookies, that is. What possible harm could come from such a wholesome activity?

 

On Friday, a school snow day no less, I pulled out all my culinary tools and ingredients and prepared to conjure up sweet goodness using secret alchemy.

 

Being a responsible and frugal chef, I had stored away my baking soda with a dated label so that I would know if this particular catalyst had gone beyond its effective date. I am a persnickety baker and simply won’t use stale ingredients.

 

The baking soda date was April 2018. Completely unacceptable for baking purposes. However, not wanting to overburden the local landfill, I decided to upcycle the aged soda by freshening my drain. You know the routine. Put aging baking soda in the refrigerator to absorb odors for months. Rediscover it years later. Dump it down the drain to absorb odors. If, in the intervening decades you happen to have a grease fire, throw the baking soda on it to save your humble abode.

 

Having no fire and a pristine refrigerator, I decided to skip those steps and put it down the drain. So frugal, so environmentally friendly, so dang responsible. Not that I even have a stinky drain – or at least not at that point.

 

The cookies were a spectacular success, as always. Goes without saying, yet there you have it, I said it anyway.

 

Saturday morning dawned cold and snowy, a perfect day to enjoy a few cookies and that I did. I also made a nice breakfast. Stuffed with calories, I started cleaning up in order to take my gluttony induced nap without guilt. That’s when I noticed the kitchen sink drain was not doing the only thing I ever ask of it – DRAIN.

 

I faced this problem a year ago and, after two days of bruised knuckles, deflated ego and smelly water, I called in the pros and bid farewell to $435. That was not going to happen this year – at least not the $435. As with most home repairs, I knew exactly what to do. Whether I could actually do it is entirely a different issue. At least this year, the pipe would be fresh smelling.

 

Spike got comfortable in his chair with a cookie and prepared to be entertained.

 

I pulled out towels, a big bowl and a 25 foot drain snake. I started by doing exactly the same thing I did last year. I carefully took off the drain trap, held it level so as not to spill any water, lifted it above me and dumped it into the sink drain. It promptly fell through the now open pipe BUT this time I had the bowl in place so the water landed harmlessly. Better than last year. I smugly took the bowl and, as god is my witness, lifted it up over the sink and dumped it. Even I can’t make this stuff up. Fortunately, the towel was nearby. Spike grabbed another cookie.

 

I then inserted the drain snake, banged my knuckles, invented and expressed curses and knocked over everything within reach, including my head. I then washed my hands, threw them up in supplication and grabbed the bowl that was now full of soapy water and threw it (the soapy water, not the bowl) out onto the formerly pristine snowy deck. I then watched 47 YouTube videos demonstrating the proper use of a drain snake. The first 46 Tubers did the usual “Watch this carefully…” and then got in the way of the camera right before the magic occurred. Number 47 finally showed me what to do.

 

I returned to the sink and gave it a good two or three snakings. I could feel stuff in there but I kept punching through and knew that I had cleared the clog. I reassembled everything, turned on the water and watched it sit there. Sometimes you know things that just aren’t true.

 

Now I understand that you really aren’t supposed to dump caustic chemicals down the drain because 1) they are horrible for the environment and 2) they don’t work. With that in mind, I only sent two courses of caustic poison down the recalcitrant drain. I followed it with several kettles of boiling water. The boiling water, not the kettles. I noted that the drain was clogged but, given enough time, it would eventually clear. This gave me hope. False hope, of course. I figured Sunday would be a fine day to finish off the repair, especially since Saturday had already come and gone.

 

I awoke Sunday morning all ready to save myself $435. But first there was one minor setback to deal with. I had no hot water. Pipes were frozen. As an economist, this might have pleased me, at least in theory. The frozen pipes, combined with the clogged drains created a nice sense of equilibrium. Also as an economist, I knew this was going to cost me so the theoretical joy and the empirical reality cancelled each other out – yet another case of equilibrium.

 

I boiled several kettles of water and threw them, the water not the kettles, at the frozen pipes on the outside of the house. Pipes outside the house? You betcha. In North Carolina, code allows a tankless water heater to sit outside the house. This is neither the first nor the last time that it will freeze. After about three gallons of boiling water, I had hot water again – not that I could use it in the kitchen but that’s beside the point. Or perhaps it is the point.

Encouraged by the slow drain rather than the stopped drain, I tore everything apart again and snaked the drain several times in order to scrape the few remaining unscathed knuckles I possessed. I then put it all together and determined that nothing had been achieved.

 

I then had a horrifying thought. What if that baking soda had done more than freshen the drain? What if it had CLOGGED the drain?

 

I grabbed a fresh box of baking soda and discovered treachery not seen since Blackbird roamed the seas.  Go take a look at your box of baking soda. 99 out of 100 of you will have Arm & Hammer Baking Soda. Look closely at the arm and the hammer on the box. How does one get such a well-muscled arm? Not by baking cookies, I assure you. They might as well have named it Arm & Wrench because that’s a plumber’s arm if ever I’ve seen one. Arm & Hammer is in cahoots with the International Union of Ridiculously Overpriced Plumbers (IUROP). Throw baking soda down the sink? Who are you kidding? I would file a class action suit but that arm kinda scares me.

 

Fuming, I stared at the box and thought how those evildoers had turned the kindly act of baking into a monumental clog. The fuming turned to thinking. If you put baking soda by itself into your flour, nothing good will happen. You have to mix it with salt to create the proper chemical reaction. Fuming…hmmm. Baking soda, by itself, might clog the pipes but ACTIVATED baking soda is another story!

 

I grabbed the treasonous box of Arm & Wrench and pulled its nemesis out of the dark recesses of the pantry. Vinegar to the rescue! I only had some red wine vinegar but I figured it would do the trick. I dumped some more baking soda down the drain and then poured in the vinegar, causing two things to happen. First, Spike asked why it smelled like I had spilled wine. Second, the concoction started bubbling, foaming, even FUMING wildly as it attacked the clog, came back up the drain and generally made a mess of everything. An hour later, after pouring several gallons of boiling water down the drain, I noticed that the speed of drainage was approximately the same.

 

If some is good, more must be better! I went to the store and got a gallon of vinegar. I put another box of baking soda down the drain (doubtlessly pleasing the Arm & Wrench crowd) and chased it with a gallon of vinegar! Joyous sounds of environmentally friendly corrosive chemical reactions filled the kitchen – right up until Spike asked why the dishwasher was “talking” right before discovering all sorts of noxious liquids spilling out of it.

 

The drain gurgled, gasped and returned to its state of slow, nay, SLOWER draining.

 

I ate the last cookie and went to bed, having wasted an entire weekend on “fixing’ the issue. On Monday morning I called the plumber.

 

After confirming that the plumber was NOT a member of the conspiratorial IUROP, I let him in the house. He sniffed and asked if I had spilled some wine. He then evaluated the situation and estimated the job at $405, a significant savings over last year’s $435. Who says there’s inflation?

 

He went to work with all of his fancy tools and I went back to my real job. A few minutes later he called down to me. “You’d better come up here.” I felt the $30 savings slipping away.

 

He held out the drain trap to me.

 

“Do NOT put ice down the drain!” he counseled me.

 

“I didn’t put any ice down there. I put boiling water. The ice was in the hot water pipes, which is ironic on it’s own but…let me take a look. Ah! That’s not ice, that’s…solidified baking soda.”

 

“What? Why? HOW?”

 

“Look, I tried to use a little home chemistry to unclog it. Maybe more is not always better.”

 

He dug out the rock solid mass from the trap (which didn’t smell bad at all) and set up his Anaconda Python Cobra Super Extra Powerful Drain Snake. I went back to work, trying to concentrate as all manner of banging and screeching commenced in the kitchen.

 

“You better come up here.”

 

The plumber looked sad, buoyed only by the Maserati ads he was flicking through on his phone as he re-estimated the job.

 

“I have some bad news for you. I need to replace the pipe. Where’s the crawl space?”

 

“I have some bad news for me too, I think, as there is no crawl space.”

 

He looked at the wood floor, smiled and pressed Buy Now on the Maserati ad.

 

“No, no, no,” I said. “Don’t go ripping up the floor! You take that snake and tell it who’s boss! You’re a plumber, for god’s sake, don’t turn this over to the carpenters. You can do it! You have big arms just like on the baking soda box!”

 

He scowled and braced himself as he jammed the snake into the pit. The floor shook, my teeth rattled, my bank account drained faster than an empty pipe. I went back to work.

 

An hour later, the noise stopped. All was eerily quiet until I heard the unmistakable sound of dripping water. I sadly looked at the ceiling, waiting for the first signs of the leak to appear. Then I heard gushing water and knew that I should have sold the house last fall and moved aboard the boat.

 

“You better come up here.”

 

I returned to the kitchen to find both sink bowls brimming with hot water. No slow drain this time. Just sitting there. With a dramatic flourish (is there such a thing as a non-dramatic flourish?), the plumber reached his beefy arms into the sink, pulled the plugs and massive whirlpools started whirling as the water went shooting down the drain!

 

“I never call in the carpenters,” he crowed triumphantly, before taking down all my credit card numbers as well as my bank and investment accounts. If there’d been a cookie left, I think he would have taken that as well.

 

I know that most of you are sobbing now, probably to the point where you have your own spills to clean up. If that’s the case, you’d better go get a clean hanky because I have not yet gotten to the sad part of this story.

 

The cookie recipe used baking powder, not baking soda.

 

 

(Check out the video beginning at 2:20)

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5pFpLwvc1k